Well 2014 was a hell of a year. I embarked on many new journeys in 2014. Like enrolling in James Franco's Studio 4 Acting School and getting my SAG card. But first and foremost my 2014 started with my 2013 decsion to get sober. The end of 2013 was a rough one for me & i was at my absolute worst. I had exhausted my party efforts to a point where i was on a path to self destruction. It was either sober up or wait for something terrible to happen.
A drunken arrest & passing out on Melrose (only to be picked up by an ambulance) were not enough to slow my roll. When it finally dawned on me that i needed to get sober, i started looking at my options. Rehab, AA and all alternative methods. And while i did attend some meetings, i, for the most part looked in side myself to find the strength and mostly courage to turn down (for what, i'd prefer my dream instead) alcohol.
It was a daily choice, sometimes an hourly and by-the-minute choice. Champagne, man i miss that ishh. Drunken sessions with my ladies? Miss those too. And man, liquid courage, that was my fuel. How to do you expect me to party with Drake when i still got all my inhibitions?? It's MFing Hard to lose that shxxt & act like I'm not shy as fxxck when you're sober.
Nights were hard, but i still hit the Hollywood club scene likka a TMZ socialite. Sugar Free Red Bull or Mr. Pinks complete withha straw in tow. I was #ThatGirl. The sober girl at the club onna Tuesday… "who is she???" Amber MFing Lane, that's who.
Mornings were rough for the first three months. Um, do hangovers ever stop? I was onna perma-one for days until my system began to clear out. But once my system cleared i started to see that my endless sorrow, depression and guilt over my actions from the night before began to fade. It was likka a black cloud had magically lifted. One I NEVER thought would pass. It was like those demons of mine finally stopped bothering me.
I learned a lot about myself this past year, that for sure. Pretty sure i got to know a part of me that i had been drowning in alcohol for the past 15 years, and she's actually pretty badass and one hard ass fxxking worker. And yeah maybe it still takes me awhile to warm up, but my confidence (as evidenced in my acting and dedication to work) is back and better then ever.
I've always been an outsider, and sure due to society (and what it constitutes as "doing something") Sobriety makes me even more of an outsider, but i'm cool with that cuz i'm cool with myself now. And that's what matters. I'm not trying to impress or making anyone happy but myself (I mean I like making my parents happy & proud but sometimes even they don't totally "get me"). and #NEWSFLASH … drinking is NOT an activity, and i'll be the first to say that you have a problem with alcohol if drinking to "do-something" is your go-to (daily, weekly) hobby.
Eminem served as my unofficial sponsor during my sobriety journey. He was always a click away for me day & night. Whenever i needed words of wisdom from someone who's gone down this path of overcoming their demons before, i turned to Em.
And James Franco was my guiding light, giving me an outlet to pour all the energy i used to pour in partying & socializing. I instead poured all that time, energy & pain into art, like i had never been able to before. THANK YOU JAMES FRANCO.
in honor of my two boundary-pushing mentors who pushed me through 2014, i look forward to year of pushing boundaries even further. I plan on getting to those places i DREAM of, and would NEVER be able to reach with a glass of champagne in my hand.
SO i encourage you to go out and push yourself outside your comfort zone this 2015. Make a change for the better. Free yourself from your own demons (#FreeTheDemons #DontFeedTheDemons). And soar higher then you have ever been before.
Happy New Year and THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE & SUPPORT in 2014!!! Here's to a kick-ass Boundary pushing, #DreamDoin TWENTY FIFTIETH !!!!
" i love to do something the censors won't pass. " - Marilyn Monroe
i'm coming at 'cha 2015.