Monday, July 9, 2012

Things I Love: CHANGE

Tomorrow marks one year from the day I had to do the hardest I have ever done.
It also marks one year since I left my old house, and, well the last time i've gotten any...
one final time was all i needed.
Last July 10th I woke up at my old house, left and never looked back.
it hasn't been easy but it's been worth it.
shannon & i this past weekend in Hollywood
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this time last year we were one month away from our 5 year anniversary, with a fabulous trip to Spain booked for August but by that time the communication in our marriage had been reduced to fights, arguments and tears.
He was tired of me,
and i was tired of not being myself.
Vanessa & I in Hollywood July 3rd 2011
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A spur of the moment trip to LA and a WhiteBoy rapper encounter along with the guidance of my friend Vanessa (and perhaps a bottle or two of wine) gave me the strength to finally tell my mom how I really felt about my marriage and the courage to ask her if i could stay with her while I sorted my life out.
it was a rough day alright.
The night before i had been out late at The Dirt Nasty show in the San Francisco, my husband wasn't exactly all that stoked about that, understandably.
myself, simon rex AKA dirt nasty & vanessa july 9th 2011
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I hit the farmers market that Sunday morning, doing anything I could to not be at my house.
at that point it seemed like all i did there was fight with my husband or drink until I was blacked out.
Yet no one seemed to know how I really felt.
Burdening others with my own problems or complaining about them has never been my style.
I avoided my house that day not knowing what to do.
our communication was no longer getting us anywhere near happiness, whether we were happy together or apart. At that point we were both miserable. The things we each wanted in life, and the people we had become were no longer in alignment.
Going home didn't seem like it would do anything but continue the cycle we had fallen into, so that day my friend Vanessa urged me to talk to my mom.
It was by far the hardest thing i've ever done.
i was embarrassed, ashamed, and broken hearted.
but it's clear now it was the right thing to do.
I will say announcing my divorce to my friends, family and readers was the second hardest thing I have ever done. But I am more then proud I stayed true to myself during this past year, sharing my ups & downs all along the way.
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if a year ago i was sleeping alone on a futon pad in my mom's house while crying myself to sleep every night and now I sleep in Hollywood in a princess bed happy & thankful every single day & night i can't wait to see where i will be in another year.
never be afraid to be yourself, and never be afraid to change your life


  1. I commend you for your strength! I am sure it has NOT been easy but you have held your head up! Stay strong and continue to grow, pretty lady!

  2. You're amazing!! You found your way through and used your absolute strength to be you!! You're a rockstar girl :) So happy to see you happy!!

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  4. good for you! i'm so happy for you that you're living your dreams and living life to the fullest!

    and anonymous above, why even bother leaving comments like that? Amber is the bomb

    1. thank you and whoever that is doesn't even know how i roll, they only think they do.

  5. I was OBSESSED with Simon Rex when I was in 8th grade..I would tape his segments on MTV and watch them over and over, and he was all over my walls. SO hot. You lucky biotch ;)

  6. I'm sort of in the same predicament right now. After 4 1/2 years together, it's time to fish or cut bait. I'm leaning towards cut bait. Thanks for sharing your story. Gotta keep reminding myself there's light at the end of this tunnel.

  7. Hey Amber, this post is amazing, so honest and true. I'm really happy to read that you're doing well and that you came out of your difficult time stronger and more outrageous than ever. Here's to you! I hope that LA continues to be all of that you have dreamed of and more. Should you ever find yourself in New York for any reason, drop me a line. I moved here from SF in June, and would love to reconnect if you're ever in town.